Monday, 07 July 2008

  • Is a person's past really ever in the past?


    When a relationship crosses the line and is no longer a casual relationship of acquaintance, ideally we make a conscious decision to accept our lover as they are now, in a state of tabula rasa, their past exposed in full disclosure -- but also erased and forgiven.  If not, the seeds of relationship failure are sown from the very beginning if we cannot forgive and forget the issues of our new lover's past.




    tab·u·la ra·sa     (tby-l räs, -z)
     

    NOUN:
    pl. tab·u·lae ra·sae   (tby-l räs, -z)
      1.         
      1. The mind before it receives the impressions gained from experience.        
      2. The unformed, featureless mind in the philosophy of John Locke.

    2. A need or an opportunity to start from the beginning.

    ETYMOLOGY:
    Medieval Latin tabula rsa : Latin tabula, tablet + Latin rsa, feminine of rsus, erased
     




    The need or an opportunity to start from the beginning.



    In the world of philosophy, of ideals, this concept is valid.  Yet we live in an imperfect world.  We live in a world of reality, where we must weigh the consequences of not taking into account a person's past when determining what they are likely to do in the future.  Yet, it would be unfair to not accept a person as they are now, as a blank slate --  not as they were years ago. 

    Where do we draw that line?  How do we make that decision?



    Many cases come to mind, some more extreme than others, but for the sake of our discussion, let's take a case that most people can identify with:  A lover whose sexual past includes questionable behavior.  The parameters of this scenario define that everything else about this lover meets or exceeds your requirements and needs, and that they have done nothing to demonstrate that they have -not- truly changed.


    Would you take on a former player as an exclusive lover?  Knowing that in their past, he/she had a notoriety of maintaining more than one sexual relationship at a time without the knowledge or consent of the other parties involved?  Would you, if you were reasonably confident that they'd reformed within the last few years and was no longer like that?

    Would you still take that risk, knowing that they'd done it before?  Do you believe in the old adage, "once a cheater, always a cheater?"  Or do you believe that people make mistakes and can change or become reformed?  Can you forgive them of their past and accept them as they are, or would you always have the lingering thought that because they so easily cheated in the past, that they could do the same thing to you?


    Is a person's past really ever in the past?

    Can a person truly forgive and forget?  Or is it only possible to forgive somebody for their past -- but never forget about it?  Even when we have not been personally wronged by them; like millstones around their necks, do these people continue to carry with them the weight of our judgement?

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