I turned my head and looked over Laura's bare shoulder at the table fifteen feet behind her, between two other couples dancing on the floor with us. A man, awkward looking and dressed well but uncomfortably --
as if he were dressed by his female friends. A woman, dressed as if she were going out for a drink with a friend --
her outfit was cute but un-provocative.
I couldn't hear their conversation, but I knew what was happening. I've seen it happen hundreds of times. The pretty girl who made her rounds with her flowerbasket had stopped at their table -- that pretty girl with her flowerbasket that was often either a blessing or the
kiss of death to a night between two people spending an evening together.
The flowerbasket girl had asked the man, of course, if he would like to purchase a rose for the woman. I watched him fumble for his wallet nervously. I watched her sit up straight, and put her hand on the table in front of him, telling him that he didn't need to buy her a rose. I watched him ignore her, handing over a crumpled wad of bills to the flower girl, and I watched her thank him and hand him a single red rose. I watched the woman shrink back in her seat uncomfortably, and tell the man something. Something I couldn't hear, but I knew.
"
What are you looking at?" Laura asked me, noticing my mind wasn't there on the floor, dancing with her.
"
Table to our right." I replied. "
I'll turn you a little bit."
"
Oh, poor thing." She replied, as I turned to let her see the couple.
"
Yeah, poor guy -- he had no clue." I shook my head.
"
Poor guy?" Laura laughed, putting her face back on my chest. "
Poor GIRL."
*****
Up until the point where the flowerbasket girl makes her way to a table, the relationship between the man and the woman is arguably in a quantum state. At this point, their relationship is like Schrodinger's cat in its box -- both alive and dead at the same time. When the flowergirl asks the man if he would like to buy a flower for the woman, the box is opened.
The woman was attractive. I'd glanced over at her several times that night. I watched her interactions with the man she was with. I could tell by the way she was dressed, the way she spoke to him, and her subconscious body language, that she saw him as
just a friend. He, however, failed to make the correct observations, and now he was falling into the woman's romantic abyss.
I thought about a conversation I had once with June over coffee two years earlier, as she was studying for the Bar exam.
"What do you consider a date?" June asked me.
"A date?" I looked at her blankly.
"Yeah, like what separates a random dinner with a person of the opposite sex to a date?" She explained.
"Two people meeting for the purpose of exploring possible sexual or romantic relations," I replied. "It's the intent."
"Is that your definition, or Webster's?" June laughed.
"Mine." I smiled.
She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and smiled back.
"Actus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea" I continued. "The act will not make a person guilty unless the mind is also guilty." |
Actus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea -- The act will not make a person guilty unless the mind is also guilty. The concurrence of
Mens rea (the guilty mind), coupled with
Actus Reus (the guilty act), determines culpability.
In plain english, it's not a date unless it's acted upon with the understanding that it's a date. It could look, smell and taste like a date, but if the parties involved don't see it as a date,
it's not a date.
Culpability becomes more complex because the date is an interaction between two people -- so an additional requirement is necessary; and is the problem our flower-buying couple in question faced:
A date is not a date unless both parties view it as a date. Actus Reus -- the act itself, is not enough. Mens Rea must exist. To be a date, both parties must demonstrate an overt act in pursuance of the intent.
*****
Women, imagine if you will, that you have three ladders. These three ladders stand in a bottomless abyss. Every man in your life who you are not incestuously prohibited from having sex with is on one of these three ladders. The ladder any particular man is on is determined by whether you see him as a friend-only, or somebody you wouldn't mind having sexual or romantic relations with.
One ladder is for those you want to be friends-only.
The second ladder is for for those you wouldn't mind having sexual and/or temporary romantic relations with.
The third ladder is for those you want to be in a long-term romantic relationship with.
This is easy enough to imagine. It's because this is how you categorize the men in your life, whether you know it or not. Every man in your life has a ranking on your ladders. The higher the rank, the more you want him. He can move up or down as
you choose, or as his behavior towards you dictates. Some men are frozen in stasis on your ladder for moral reasons -- for example, he may be your friend's boyfriend or he may be married: He is on Ladder 2 or 3, but you won't move on him.
Women can move men back and forth on her ladders. Generally speaking, a woman places a man on one ladder immediately upon meeting him. As time passes, the woman can move the man from ladder to ladder as she so chooses. She has a "magic carpet" that can transport men back and forth safely across the bottomless abyss.
A man cannot move himself between her ladders. If he wants to move from one ladder to another, he will
try to jump. The problem with this, of course, is that if he fails to catch the next ladder, he will end up in the bottomless abyss, likely to fall forever and never be on any of the woman's ladders again. This problem is compounded by the fact that he makes the jump blind, without knowing how far away he is from the ladder he needs to make the jump to. The only way a man can successfully move between a woman's ladders is by convincing
her to move him.
I listened to June continue.
"What if you have no intentions but it comes apparent later on in the date that that is the intention of the other party?" June asked me.
I nodded.
"Because for some reason, that always seems to happen to me... I meet a guy, find him really interesting and want to get together with him to learn more about him - on a friends level." She continued.
I remained silent, listening to her.
"It ends up though that he has other intentions and I... I end up feeling sheepish and awkward that I didn't know that was the signal I was giving and I kick myself over it because I lose a potential close friend." She finished, "I don't understand what changed..." |
June didn't understand Ladder Theory.
When an evening out fails horribly like the way it was failing horribly for the couple Laura and I were watching as we danced together fifteen feet away, one or more of several things happen:
1) The guy is embarrassed, discouraged and heartbroken if he was trying to be on the relationship ladder. For one of these reasons he never sees the girl again.
2) The guy realizes that he's never going to get into her pants, if he was trying to be on the sexual ladder -- and quits.
3) The girl feels betrayed by a guy she felt was a friend and never speaks to him again, not understanding the way a guy thinks is different from the way a girl thinks.
4) The girl feels awkward with the guy to the point where she doesn't feel comfortable to hang out with him again. They never see each other again.
When the flowerbasket girl comes around offering her flowers, she is
forcing the man to make a decision to discover what ladder he is on. If he doesn't buy the rose, he is sending a signal to the woman that he is not interested and is lowering himself on her ladder. If he is already on Ladder 2 or 3, buying the rose increases his position on the ladder. If he is on Ladder 1, buying the rose
in the hope of romancing or sexing the girl makes him fall from the ladder into the bottomless abyss from where he will never return.
*****
Now men, imagine you have the same three ladders.
You can't, can you? That's because you don't have three ladders. You have ONE. Men have only one ladder. That ladder stands in an pool of water. Every woman in your life who you are not incestuously prohibited from having sex with is on that ladder somewhere.
Every woman is on your one and only ladder -- your
mating ladder, whether you think she is or not. The women who are above the waterline on your ladder are women you would mate with. You may want to love her and romance her, and be a great guy for her... or you might genuinely want to be her friend. You may even be able to remain celibate because of your religious convictions -- but really, in the end, don't lie to yourself...
you still wouldn't mind mating with her.
The women who are BELOW your ladder's waterline however, are NOT women who you would normally mate with
. These are the women who become your friends, and
friends only -- not only by her choice, but by yours as well; that you would NOT mate with under normal conditions. This is not to say that being a guy's "friend-only" means you are not a good person.
If a woman above a man's waterline, it means she is a candidate for any position other than "friend-only". If she is below his waterline, it means she is a "friend-only." A woman's position on a guy's ladder has nothing to do with her quality of person. It just means that he just wouldn't mate with her for whatever reason he has.
A good example is the male-female relationship where the two are not related but see each other like brother and sister. They are so close in that regard that it's obvious the man feels that the woman is of the
highest quality. Yet, he is not sexually attracted to her, and thus she is below his waterline.
Some guys have higher waterlines than others. Some guys have really low waterlines. The waterline can change, and represents the mental state of the man and how desperate he is to get laid. The waterline changes if the man is drunk, high, or hornier than normal.
This does NOT mean that all men are womanizing bastards and will cheat at the drop of a hat should a woman on his ladder become available -- there are things like morality and loyalty that keep a man faithful.
Loyal men don't have two ladders. Loyal men are like every other man, with their one ladder -- they just freeze (put into stasis) every woman on the ladder while he's with somebody.
Now, what men don't realize is that women are not the same as they are. Men think women have one ladder; and that just as women move up and down a man's ladder and that whether she is a friend or not, every woman his waterline is a potential sexual partner. So when the flowerbasket girl comes around and offers a rose for the man to give to the woman, the man assumes that the rose will increase his sexual standing since obviously (to him), the woman is on a date with him (after all, why would she be out with him if it wasn't a date?).
And before he realizes what happens, the man finds himself falling into the woman's bottomless abyss.
Men: The key to success is knowing what ladder you are on and figuring out a way to move to a better ladder; or if you're on a good ladder, to increase your status on that ladder.
Women: The key to success is knowing what ladder the man in question is on, and making it absolutely clear to him what ladder he is on. Don't play games with the man. He likely doesn't even know there is a game at all. Be clear about your objective with him.
*****
"I have a clue." I smirked, turning my eyes away from the couple we were watching. Laura smiled at me. She let go of my hand, and slid her hand up my wrist, pushing up at the french cuffs and playing with my cufflinks. She dragged her fingers up my sleeve, to my shoulder, and pulled on the lapel of my suitjacket.
"
Yes you do." She grinned.
I pulled her into me, pressing her body firmly against mine.
"
You liiiike me." I joked, raising an eyebrow and grinning back.
She laughed, and rested her head against my shoulder. I brushed my hand up her back, and into her long chocolate-brown hair before resting my fingers and palm against the back of her head. I let my hand comb through her hair, before stopping and holding her back gently against me. I heard her sigh.
"
Maybe." She smiled.
